Thursday, January 20, 2011

No more russian roulette

DH and I DTD without any birth control about a week after CD 1 and although it was probably waaaay too early for me to ovulate, I freaked out. Who knows what my first cycle after baby would be like, there was actually a real possibility that I could get pregnant. And what I learned from this experience is the following:

I am not ready.

It kept me up some of the night - could I handle it? Would my joyous time with Dom turn into a crazy stressful situation? Would DH resent me? What if me and DH don't work out? I hadn't even gone back to work yet and have no idea how the new 'normal' would be.

I didn't have any fears about parenthood when I embarked on this journey. Why were they cropping up now? I think that in the last few years I've learned not to mess with a good thing. And what I have now is a really good thing.

And then there are the added fears of pregnancy and the baby's health - will I miscarry again, should I get diagnostic testing or risk another 9 months of agonizing worry? I've had to admit to myself lately that if I knew I had a child with chromosomal problems, and my pregnancy was still in the first tri, I would probably terminate. This raises a whole other slew of problems - does DH feel the same way? How could I live with myself if the CVS results came back bad. If I don't get diagnostic testing and my screening results aren't perfect, how will I (and my family) endure my inevitable pre-partum depression. I read some statistic on how babies who are conceived within a year of their older sibling have a higher risk of SIDS. So that would worry me too. That's how I am.

Point is, I'm scared.

So I even went as far as taking Plan B. I am that risk averse.

I hope I get over this - I'd really like to have two kids. Once I get back to work and things become routine I know I could figure out a way to handle it. It's worth it to me. But I don't know when and if I'll ever be able to cope with the uncertainties of it all again. And I don't want to wait too long. Because as time passes after Dom's first birthday the fears will increase - I'm no spring chicken.

Right now things are good. I don't have any major fears or uncertainties. I'm enjoying life. Enjoying my baby. Why do we always want what we don't have? Why can't we just be satisfied with what we do? I'm going to give it a try for the next 5-6 months and then revisit the second kid question.


  1. well, you're probably scared this time because you actually know how hard it is to have a baby now!!! people can tell you about it until they're blue in the face, but there is no way you can prepare someone for what it's like to have a child. and it's only been five months since you had dom, you will want another baby, just give yourself some time.

  2. Oh gosh, I could've written this myself. We're in the same boat. DH wants another kiddo QUICK and I'm putting the brakes on it. I'm just NOW getting used to our routine and quite frankly, I am just not sure if I can handle another baby right now. I know I do want one...down the road...but when? I'm giving myself a year, at least then we'll decide.