Monday, April 25, 2011

Operation get-a-new-OBG

Success! I made an appointment with Dr. X! I am so out-of-proportionately proud of myself. Even if she turns out to suck as bad as my old obg in terms of communication and bedside manner and being a general b!*$&, at least I know she can perform a good c-section. The receptionist asked why I wanted to switch. As if I owed anyone an explanation, I couldn't believe it. I said Dr. X delivered my son and I was thinking of switching anyway. Was that too passive? Incidentally my old Dr. was going to "give me a buzz" to let me know if my HCG numbers were doubling appropriately. Luckily for me I can do math and don't need her to give me a buzz. Because she hasn't yet. It just occurred to me that I forgot to cancel the appointment I had set up with her. I wonder if the receptionist figured it out... I'm not going to worry about it.

So but get this. Earliest available appointment was at 7w5d (fine, whatever) on friday the 13th!! (whaaaaat?) I avoided that date for my c-section with Dom but that's only 'cause there was an earlier one available, not as much because I'm superstitious. I think I am keeping this one. There is absolutely nothing magical about that date, it's just some stupid hollywood franchise. I think my dad was born on that date. And some friends of mine who are now married met on that date. I'm just going to keep reminding myself of these happy coincidences for the next few weeks. Hopefully I can add one to the mix.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

So far so good

Not sick other than the usual pregnacy & daycare sniffles, knock on wood. DH is getting better. We're all having a low-key weekend and trying to reserve energy which has been nice. We slept in 'til 9. We went to a movie! in an actual theater! this morning. All three of us. It was kid-oriented (D!sney's Afric@n CAts, it was amazing) so the few peeps Dom let out were acceptable. He was really really good. We stayed for the whole thing. This kid blows my mind on a regular basis. The only time Dom and I had to leave the theater was because I had to pee. I still won't let DH handle him, he's still hacking up a lung. Going to the bathroom in a public place with an 8 month old is quite the challenge. We went to drive-thru !n-n-Out after the movie, the line was two miles long and at first I though we were really tempting fate with Dom's good behavior but he just zonked out in his carseat til we got home. Unbelievable. People keep saying our next one is going to be a terror. Our neighbor went so far as to tell us not to have one. Really? Who says that?

So my first beta was 271. 271 x 2 = 542.

My second beta, ~17DPO: 706. Solid.

It's a good day.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Once more into the deep...

I talked to my OBG office and said I got a positive HPT, I would like serial HCG tests, and I would like a new doctor please, specifically the doctor who delivered dom (we shall call her Dr. X for now), thankyouverymuch. Apparently they couldn't just make me an appointment with Dr. X. They had to put in a note to the scheduler to make an appointment for me and then call me back. But somehow they could still tell me when her first available appointment was. Early May. Awesome. But I want the HCG tests now, I don't want to wait around for the scheduler to figure out what's going on and then have to explain to Dr. X why I need them. I just want to go and take them. I must have done a hundred of these, I don't even feel like I should need permission. In fact, I'm sure by now I could persuade the lab techs to give me a few HCG quants on the DL. So I asked if my former OBG could order them. Only if I make an appointment with said former OBG. Whaaaaat? So I made an appointment with former OBG who couldn't get me in before 9 weeks. Unacceptable. But I won't be keeping that appointment anyway. And I got the HCG tests ordered. Or at least I know I got one ordered. My former OBG's ever-unhelpful assistant called me yesterday to say former OBG ordered the test. "One test or two - you're supposed to get two..." I started. "I don't know she didn't tell me that," she said as if it wasn't that important and she was trying to calm me down. Just the two calls I've had with this office already has vindicated my decision to leave the original OBG. She and her assistant are the kind of people you feel worse after talking to, rather than better. Our dog trainer for the furbaby we gave away was like that. It's like priority #1 is covering their butts. And that's priority #2, #3, and #4 as well. Makes me wonder why they didn't become lawyers.

My plan is to take the HCG tests, cancel the appointment with my former OBG and then put a note in to the scheduler to go ahead and get me in around 7 weeks with Dr. X. Foolproof, right? What could go wrong?

I got my first beta yesterday after work, approximately 15DPO: 271
Progesterone: 24.3

The beta looks ok. With Dom it was 319 at 14 DPO. And of course I could be off on my O day by a couple days. I have no idea what the progesterone is about. I think it's ok too. Of course the more important thing is HCG tomorrow. And more important than that is a heartbeat. I am only 4w4d and it already seems like FOREVER.

It seems like everyone around me is sick. Really sick (= fever). And it's stressing me out. Hopefully this is my freak-out period for this pregnancy and hopefully I come out unscathed. I am being SO careful. I'm staying away from everyone. I must wash my hands sixty times a day and that doesn't even touch how much hand sanitizer I'm using. I don't come near DH. I might even skip out on this weekend's Easter festivities 'cause I don't want to be in close confines with him. And now my assistant at work has a "really bad cold" and she came in this morning after two days off and was talking about how bad it was and the fever, etc. GO HOME! She is absolutely hacking up a lung right outside my office. She's pissing me off. Dom was exposed to pink-eye at daycare. He doesn't seem to have it though. Some 2 year old came up to him this morning and stuck her finger directly into his mouth. ... I wish I could find a cave somewhere and Dom and I will just wait out the next couple months. I feel like I'm constantly dehydrated and have perpetually over-active sinuses, but other than that, I'm hanging in there.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The line was darker this morning

Thanks girls for your support. When I first realized I had lost a follower I just automatically assumed it was because someone was too hurt by IF to read about someone getting pg a second time at the drop of the hat. I didn't think about the fact that it might be a disagreement with what I'm doing, or what I've done rather. HALF of couples get divorced. No one should throw stones in that department. Incidentally, DH and I got in another fight. But this time he didn't mention divorce. And this time he was wrong, so I didn't apologize. And I think the worst is over. Anyway, I managed to not take 10,000 HPTs per day over the weekend. I took one this morning though. Still knocked up.

Unfortunately, DH has bronchitis. The long drawn-out hacking disease. I am gravely afraid of getting a fever at this early stage and have been consulting dr. google and it's my understanding that you don't just 'catch' bronchitis...rather you catch the underlying viral or bacterial infection and that may or may not lead to bronchitis in you too. DH had a fever early last week and my guess is he got the flu and it turned into bronchitis. I got the flu vax and feel like if I haven't gotten it from him by now I'm not going to. If it's bacterial it should be non-contagious soon because DH got a round of antibiotics. Does anyone else know anything about bronchitis? Seriously I'm freaked out, as usual. Mostly about the fever part.

I'm going to call my OBG. Incidentally I'm FINALLY going to try a new OBG. Same group, same wing of the same floor of the same building. But I really need to start growing some balls in the area of - I'm not compatible with everyone. That doesn't mean I don't deserve someone who will treat me the way I need to be treated. It just means I have to find the people I am compatible with. I might try the person who delivered Dom. She seems nice. She did a good job delivering him. But I don't know anything else about her. What a messed up system. I think I will ask for the serial HCG tests, just to see. And an early scan. If the new OBG won't give me these things and I know I could get them from my old OBG I'm not sure what I'll do...I'll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Hello fear, my old friend

I've already lost one follower over the pregnancy announcement, and at the risk of losing more, I have to say...I kind of dread pregnancy. I had a bit of a traumatic time last year with the CPC, breech, etc., I am afraid of everything. And every new fear seems more awful than the last. I am seriously panic stricken, not just about the whole "will it be too much to handle?" question but about every stage and every problem that could arise. DH has a BAD flu or something. He's had it since Sunday. He's been shivering (= fever) and lounging around in bed and he sounds AWFUL. He won't eat anything but W3ndy's. At the beginning of the week I wasn't being very careful 'cause I didn't know about the pregnancy. But now I'm ms. OCD handwasher and oj-drinker and I am actively nervous all day that I'll get sick and have a fever and that my baby will have a neural tube defect. Why do I always have to go to the worst case scenario? Why does DH have to get sick all the time and refuse to get the flu shot? Fortunately I still feel pretty normal and it's been 5 days. Also I had the flu shot last fall. And last pregnancy was during flu season and I had NOT had the shot and I didn't even get a cold - the ENTIRE time. I think I'm one of those people for whom pregnancy boosts their immune system. Knock on wood. In fact, that's why I tested initially - I thought it was odd that DH had gotten sick and I hadn't...I always get some kind of cold the week before I thought...maybe I'm pregnant. But I'm still left with the worry that I'll get an awful fever and worry the WHOLE 9 months about another sad condition. Pregnancy brings out the worst in me. Hopefully I will not get sick and then the rest of the pregnancy will be easy in comparison to the dread of the first tri. Hopefully. Knock on more wood. PS I told DH. He was too sick to pay attention. He was like really? Are you joking? He was nice about it, I told him I was scared and he made some joke to show he wasn't scared (which I know he is). We were both kind of putting our heads in our hands like - what have we done. But we know it's an amazing wonderful lucky thing that this has happened. And I'm sure in a few days we'll start to see it in a blisfully positive light. Please let us hold it together. I like "us" when we're getting along.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I am a hairball of emotions right now. I am finally getting along well with DH, I LOVE my family. Everything's sort of perfect right now, or at least: reached it's full potential. I would definitely change my job and my house if we're talking about a perfect world but you know what I mean. We even had an impromptu date-night last night after Dom went to sleep - it was juts takeout but it was spontaneous and fun and we had a good time and relaxed. I had a couple drinks. Did I mention, it was FUN? We're not a date couple so it was kind of amazing to just hang out the two of us and enjoy each others' company. I can see why people make it a regular thing. Anyway, to get to my point, DH and I dtd maybe twice last month. No protection. Honestly, I was not trying to con him into anything, he initiated every time. And this morning I took a test. On a whim sort of. I haven't even missed AF. It must be about 9dpo. And it was positive. I'm shaking. I'm scared to tell DH, scared I won't be able to handle it, scared because yesterday I was obsessing over a burberry bag because my last bag - the one I thought would be the last one I'd ever buy - got serious water damage from a water-bottle leak. And now I need to budget more than ever. I'm scared to be pg again, I am terrified of pregnancy, and pregnancy loss of course. Scared that what we did was irresponsible even though every reason in the book pointed to: try again now! I'm scared that my life can't take another upheaval, scared to tell my parents that our family trip to hawaii is going to have to be pushed out (or brought up) a couple months. Scared scared scared. Shaky....but excited too.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Who spends that much on a watch?

Things have been better, albeit a little fragile, on the home front. DH and I are actually getting along really well. But we're being really careful. Or maybe you could just call it "working really hard" at keeping things civil. You're supposed to work hard at a marriage right? So instead of "walking on eggshells," I'll call it "working on it." We have plans for a pretty formal night out in a couple weeks and DH is getting away for a guys' weekend this week. I gave him some responsibilities with Dom in the mornings, namely to change and feed him while I'm getting ready for work and packing for daycare. It seemed only fair since he spends about 10 minutes getting ready compared to my 40+. And I have the longer commute. Not to mention daycare duty. And I think he enjoys ownership over part of Dom's routine. It is hard for me to give up that moment when I wake him up and hold and squeeze him every morning, but I think it's really important that DH feel involved and not alienated. I found this article this morning (several days after I started this change in routine) blaming women for the strain put on relationships when they become over-controlling re: babies and over-critical of their husbands. I don't agree with all of it and don't think I've ever been as bad as the author in terms of how she treats her DH...also, I work so I don't have any bitterness that DH gets to keep his career (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even if I did stay home). I am really jealous of moms that get to stay home. I know it's not always bliss, and it's work, but I am the kind of person that will never get over feeling like I should be spending every minute possible with my kid(s). I just know how precious each second is and I savor each one like it's the last and feel guilty that I'm missing out on so much. Like Dom's first finger painting and the first time he tried yogurt. His mom should be around for that kind of thing. The "teachers" at the daycare are always telling me how strong he is and how he tries to scoot himself around 'cause he can't crawl yet and they explain things like this to me as if I had been gone a month. I know my kid. I'm with him every day for as long as possible. Pretty sure I know how much he yearns to be mobile and how he shakes his head and yells like he wants to gobble you up. He's done that since he was a month old. But then there are things I don't know. Like all the people he's grown to love and how he acts with certain other kids. And it makes me so so sad. Glad that he's having these experiences and vindicated in my choice of daycare, but sad that I'm missing out on his life. I have a confession to make. I spent too much on a watch. We're pinching pennies lately 'cause we want to pay off our house and relax a little but I tend to want to enjoy the now a little too and I really needed a new watch. But $700? It's amazing. I'm in love with it. It's a Miche!e. But the guilt persists. I swear to myself I'm buying NOTHING for myself until July, I won't get that iPad I've been lusting over but don't really need, I swear I'll find a way to work it into my budget, I tell myself I deserve it and that it fits my career, I have to look sharp. And I never buy expensive jewelry for myself. But there is no way DH is ever going to know how much it cost. It's embarassing. I'm a mom. I have bigger priorities. Who cares about a freaking watch? The $200 model wasn't good enough? Whatever, I have to get over some of this guilt. Oh and I'm not pregnant. Although we continue to play russian roulette. DH is very fickle about his thoughts on another baby. Outwardly he is against it. But when it comes down to brass tacks, he doesn't insist on protection. I become increasingly convinced it's a good idea sooner rather than later. And so it goes.