Friday, June 17, 2011
My results were not as good as I had hoped, but they're ok, and I think I should be greatful.
Papp A: .79MoM
hCG: 1.25 MoM
NT 1.9mm, 1.18 MoM
Down syndrome risk: 1:2,100
T18 risk: 1:73,000
The 1 in 2100 scares me a little. It was 1 in 32,000! last time. And I never really thought of it again. This time, well, I think of it. But I wouldn't say I'm worried. And I'm not really considering an amnio. I was really hoping to avoid any gray area by having the second while I was still relatively young (I'll be 31 when its born) and maybe I have. Maybe 2100 is good enough to not be gray. But it sure as hell doesn't sound as good as 32,000.
I think they got the date wrong too, by a day. I wonder how that would change things. On one sheet I'm 12w 5d, on the other I'm 12w 6d.
They took a guess on the gender. They said girl based on some thing they pointed out that's verticle for girls and horizontal for boys. They showed it to me and it looked pretty compelling. Anyone know how accurate these early predictions are? They told me not to buy anything pink.
I can't decide whether to get the second tri screening. I'm leaning against it. I hate this stuff.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
He's grown out of the last of his baby-shower & other gifts clothes so now I actually have to buy him clothes. Which still seems novel. Me? Pick out little boy shorts and little boy shirts and maybe pick the socks with the rubber stickies on the bottom now since he's about to start walking. From his birth on, every new stage is something I never thought I'd get to see. Like somehow I pictured my life up to his birth but thought that's where the fantasy ended. I failed to take into account that there would be life beyond that day. Didn't dare hope probably. But here it is, and it's so exciting.
I know how lucky I am to have a healthy baby. To have such a sweet, good-natured, well behaved baby on top of that is almost too much to take. He accompanies me on 5-hr shopping sprees with girlfriends, out to dinner, happy hour, soccer games, all the while being the life of the party, napping when he needs to, rarely complaining, engaged and engaging, and then he sleeps for at least 10 hours every night.
There are some new babies in his daycare and one of his teachers told me that yesterday one of the new girls, around the same age as him, was crying most of the day. And he would go up to her and put his hand on her really gently and give her kisses. They kept saying he was so gentle. He gets that from our dog who, while well-intentioned, is not fond of Dom. He's a chihuahua mix and rather independent, he's usually not the type to lean in for pets and Dom (who inexplicably loves this dog more than life itself) has learned that short gentle pets work best. He's a smart kid, he's remembered that. And applied it to his classmates apparently.
The pregnancy is going ok. I still feel nauseous most mornings and evenings but it's not too bad. I'm able to get through it without throwing up these days and even took a prenatal vitamin last night for the first time in weeks (I've been taking folic acid all along). I had an u/s at almost 11 weeks and everything still looked great, on track. NT scan is scheduled for a week from tomorrow. I am nervous but it's not like last time. Last time I sank into a bona fide depression for a couple weeks leading up to the appointment. I was anxiety ridden, I couldn't enjoy anything, what's the point - this time I am anxious but just because it's new information. Not because I fear my life being in shambles should something look less than perfect. I feel like I can handle things better now. And I'm not fixating on the worst case scenario. No therapy required, how 'bout that? Part of it is probably blindness - it's interesting how the "it can't happen to me" and the "oh it'll be fine!" feelings creep back after a healthy pregnancy. How soon we forget.
V, my sometimes-friend at work is pregnant too. She had a miscarriage earlier this year and got pregnant again the first time trying. She is like I was. She is worried about ordering from restaurants, working out, ingredients in her face cream, etc. She's on the internet for half the day researching statistics and going through message board after message board. She is not like me in that she gets to stay home permanently after she has the baby - this makes me practically insane with jealousy. I am not a fan of my job lately. It seems like every other woman in my life is getting to stay home or at least work a severely reduced schedule and it's making me crazy. Where did I go wrong? I guess I worked too hard. I mean it's nice to make an independent living and have a purpose outside the house, and I'm not saying I would not work at all, if I had the option. It would just be nice to have the option...or to have a job I liked. Alas.
DH and I are doing better every day. I can't remember the last time we fought about anything. I can see the moments when it's a struggle though, where before the conversation would have devolved into a bitter, angry, poorly-communicated war of words, now we are more constructive and less emotional or selfish. I think we respect each other for having stuck with each other through the hard time we had. Like we both realize how serious about each other we must be to have even tried to work things out. Whatever it takes I guess.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
And there are countless advantages to having them close. Like they might just be friends and it will be an easier transition for Dom. And I will be done with pregnancy forever without having to deal with that advanced maternal age headache.
Dom is growing and developing faster than I can really keep track of. He just started crawling and now all of the sudden he's pulling himself up into a standing position on the couch. He was trying to grab at some wine bottles at my parents' this weekend and I kept saying no and moving his hand away. And once he went back, put his hand on a bottle, then paused, and looked at me with this big 'ol grin on his face. When did mischievious-ness become part of his personality? How does that happen?
DH's bond with him grows stronger the more interactive he gets. My mom friends are similar, they're the type that can't wait to get the newborn stage over with and wish their kids would just come out 2 years old. But I've always felt an intense addiction to and bond with my baby, from day one. You will not hear me complaining that my 3 month old isn't interesting enough. So as fun as Dom is now, I'm sad that those early days are gone. But it seems that they may come again.
I'm feeling a little more sick than a few weeks ago. I've actually thrown up a few times now, but nothing, NOTHING like last time. Although last time I was on zofran so I didn't feel it much. This time I haven't (yet) medicated so I feel at least a little sick all the time. I find myself wondering if the tamer morning sickness has anything to do with the gender. I'm sure not, that's silly. DH is convinced it's a girl. We were all convinced of that last time. This time I think he's right though, just because of the timing. Although the heartrate and HCG were both lower this time. Whatever, I learned with my first pregnancy not to try to predict the gender.
The key to staving off morning sickness these days, as with most pregnancies, is staying full. But for some reason I've just been too lazy to cook and I'm pretty picky about what I eat due to the nausiousness. So I don't think I'm getting enough to eat. My first hint was when I stepped on the scale at my viability scan. I'm 10lbs less than I was at my 7 week viability scan with Dom. I have not worked out since that 7 week scan over a year ago. So pregnancy and breastfeeding have really taken their toll on my reserves. I have the unique "problem" of all my clothes not fitting after pregnancy...because they're too big.
I'm really tired. I can't get enough sleep. I've fallen asleep at work. I go to bed at 9:30 instead of 11.
But already I feel like this pregnancy is going by faster than the first. I think it's because I'm not as obsessed with it. I have a lot on my mind, I'm incredibly busy, and I'm not as paranoid. Let's hope everything stays uneventful.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I know I have time to have another one, I know DH is more on-board now with another baby and that our marriage is on the right track. I know that miscarriages happen. But I've grown attached to the timing of this one, excited about having my pregnant life over with after lo these three long years. And also weighing heavily on my mind is how awful my D&C was. I have never felt pain like that. All other things being equal - like even if these procedures had nothing whatsoever to do with babies - c-section wins over (awake) D&C hands down. For me. I know reasonable minds may differ.
My boobs aren't sore. I haven't thrown up. I felt like maybe I could twice...but I couldn't. Most of the time I don't even feel sick. I don't have the same round ligament pain when I sneeze that I did a few weeks ago. I am tired. But I've been working around the clock. There are moments when I have convinced myself that I will be shocked if there's actually an on-track embryo in there. Shocked.
So today was my viability scan. 7w5d. The appointment was for 11:30 and I blocked out my whole day, giving up much needed hours and maybe looking flaky to a partner or two. I had to, in case I needed the rest of the day to grieve or get that D&C. I imagined myself in tears after the appointment, going straight to the daycare to hug Dom and going home to squeeze every moment I could out of the day with my beautiful baby and take my mind off the loss. I've been seriously emotional. Like I cry when I just think about Dom, I love him so much.
DH came to the appointment with me. He's not attached to the pregnancy, but he was afraid if it went badly that I'd be inconsolable. He's right, I would be. And I would need him to drive me home if I had to have a "procedure."
I was listening to my favorite radio DJs on my way to work this morning and they were talking about a poll of whether people were really superstitious about Friday the 13th. And one of the DJs said something about how she's sort of reverse-superstitious about it because it usually turns out to be a good day for her and how she now just assumes everything will go extremely well on Friday the 13th. I felt like picking up my iphone and texting in a thank you. I needed to hear that.
The appointment went well. The punchline is that there was a little tiny but correctly-sized baby in there. With a heartbeat in the 150's. Unbelievable. Oh god I'm tearing up again. And I LOVE my new OBG. Right away I could sense a huge difference from the old one. She is sensitive and undertstanding and takes the time to address my worries rather than treating me like I'm crazy. She really sat down with us to discuss the plan of action for the coming weeks even though she was behind in her schedule. She brought us to her office instead of rushing in and out and forgetting to give me crucial information. She seems like she has a lot of patience, and hopefully her assistant is more competent that my former obg's 'cause you end up communicating through the assistant half the time anyway.
I kept wondering if I would run into my old obg in the halls. I heard her once right outside my room but didn't see her. After today I don't even care. I made the right choice.
I haven't told anyone but DH and V at work. V and I share everything about babymaking. Like I pretty much know precisely which day next week she will be "trying again" after a pretty traumatic miscarriage a couple months ago (she'd already seen the heartbeat and miscarried at 12 weeks and long story short ended up in the ER). Even if I don't want to know that kind of detail, she's one of those "sharers" and sometimes I need someone to talk to so it works out.
So far so good. Oh and the EDD is christmas day :)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
So this time around that fifteen day mark would have been Friday. I did not freak out when I didn't get sick Friday. I was pretty proud of myself. But now it's day 17, and even though I know (I know I know) every pregnancy is different, and that most pregnancies are not as bad as Dom's I am still starting to feel like maybe this isn't good. Like I have this short window - get sick at 6 weeks = baby. Closer to 8 weeks = no baby, year of misery and pain, traumatized for life. Maybe this isn't the one. I have grown so attached to everything about this pregnancy. DH is on board. I'm thrilled about the timing. I've been really putting in my time with food and prenatals and cleaning the house assuming morning sickness would set in with a vengeance like last time. But I still wait...
I've woken up the last two days feeling like I had a hangover. But not feeling properly nauseous and I still have an appetite. I do feel out of control thirsty, I pee a lot, and I'm eating like a truck driver. Also I'm downing 2 prenatals a day (+ extra folic acid). I am concerned that my reserves are a little low so soon after producing the first baby.
When I said that DH was on board, I meant he was mostly on board. I still get these implications of "you wanted it it's your problem" from him. Like the other night when he started talking out of the blue about how he was not going to be getting up in the middle of the night. Ever. Even when I go back to work. Seriously? He said I wanted the baby I take care of it. Like it's a pet hampster. I got angry and he eventually claimed he was just kidding, but I know him, he was just being an a$$. Also, I mentioned to him how Dom had kicked me in the stomach yesterday (it was a pretty strong kick but at this point, even I'm not worried really) and he goes "See he doesn't want a sibling. I told you you should have asked him first." Really? But most of the time he's sweet about it. And if the pregnancy is viable I have to think he'll only get more vested.
The first baby, btw, is in his 14th hour of sleep for the night at 10AM. This kid is amazing. AMAZING. There's really nothing else to say. I am so in love with him. And not just 'cause he's a good sleeper.
Monday, April 25, 2011
So but get this. Earliest available appointment was at 7w5d (fine, whatever) on friday the 13th!! (whaaaaat?) I avoided that date for my c-section with Dom but that's only 'cause there was an earlier one available, not as much because I'm superstitious. I think I am keeping this one. There is absolutely nothing magical about that date, it's just some stupid hollywood franchise. I think my dad was born on that date. And some friends of mine who are now married met on that date. I'm just going to keep reminding myself of these happy coincidences for the next few weeks. Hopefully I can add one to the mix.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
So my first beta was 271. 271 x 2 = 542.
My second beta, ~17DPO: 706. Solid.
It's a good day.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My plan is to take the HCG tests, cancel the appointment with my former OBG and then put a note in to the scheduler to go ahead and get me in around 7 weeks with Dr. X. Foolproof, right? What could go wrong?
I got my first beta yesterday after work, approximately 15DPO: 271
The beta looks ok. With Dom it was 319 at 14 DPO. And of course I could be off on my O day by a couple days. I have no idea what the progesterone is about. I think it's ok too. Of course the more important thing is HCG tomorrow. And more important than that is a heartbeat. I am only 4w4d and it already seems like FOREVER.
It seems like everyone around me is sick. Really sick (= fever). And it's stressing me out. Hopefully this is my freak-out period for this pregnancy and hopefully I come out unscathed. I am being SO careful. I'm staying away from everyone. I must wash my hands sixty times a day and that doesn't even touch how much hand sanitizer I'm using. I don't come near DH. I might even skip out on this weekend's Easter festivities 'cause I don't want to be in close confines with him. And now my assistant at work has a "really bad cold" and she came in this morning after two days off and was talking about how bad it was and the fever, etc. GO HOME! She is absolutely hacking up a lung right outside my office. She's pissing me off. Dom was exposed to pink-eye at daycare. He doesn't seem to have it though. Some 2 year old came up to him this morning and stuck her finger directly into his mouth. ... I wish I could find a cave somewhere and Dom and I will just wait out the next couple months. I feel like I'm constantly dehydrated and have perpetually over-active sinuses, but other than that, I'm hanging in there.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thanks girls for your support. When I first realized I had lost a follower I just automatically assumed it was because someone was too hurt by IF to read about someone getting pg a second time at the drop of the hat. I didn't think about the fact that it might be a disagreement with what I'm doing, or what I've done rather. HALF of couples get divorced. No one should throw stones in that department. Incidentally, DH and I got in another fight. But this time he didn't mention divorce. And this time he was wrong, so I didn't apologize. And I think the worst is over. Anyway, I managed to not take 10,000 HPTs per day over the weekend. I took one this morning though. Still knocked up.
Unfortunately, DH has bronchitis. The long drawn-out hacking disease. I am gravely afraid of getting a fever at this early stage and have been consulting dr. google and it's my understanding that you don't just 'catch' bronchitis...rather you catch the underlying viral or bacterial infection and that may or may not lead to bronchitis in you too. DH had a fever early last week and my guess is he got the flu and it turned into bronchitis. I got the flu vax and feel like if I haven't gotten it from him by now I'm not going to. If it's bacterial it should be non-contagious soon because DH got a round of antibiotics. Does anyone else know anything about bronchitis? Seriously I'm freaked out, as usual. Mostly about the fever part.
I'm going to call my OBG. Incidentally I'm FINALLY going to try a new OBG. Same group, same wing of the same floor of the same building. But I really need to start growing some balls in the area of - I'm not compatible with everyone. That doesn't mean I don't deserve someone who will treat me the way I need to be treated. It just means I have to find the people I am compatible with. I might try the person who delivered Dom. She seems nice. She did a good job delivering him. But I don't know anything else about her. What a messed up system. I think I will ask for the serial HCG tests, just to see. And an early scan. If the new OBG won't give me these things and I know I could get them from my old OBG I'm not sure what I'll do...I'll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Marriage is hard, everyone says it. But then they tell me about some fight they got into about him not doing the dishes that was over in a couple hours and no one even mentioned divorce. It shouldn't be this hard. I need to figure out if I can get over being sad and angry without leaving the marriage. Or if I need to leave to attain some peace. I have definitely always been selfish with my time and money, that is until Dom arrived. I'm very controlling. I like to be in control of everything, that's why I do most of the work. I feel like if I don't do it, it won't be done right. But it's also things like controlling the remote. And DH lets me, for the most part.
Last night we talked. I told him I didn't want a divorce. I showed him the budget he's been asking me to do for the last several months to show my committment and to show that I could do something he asked me to (like he gave up his dog). He said his first priority was paying down our house. I want that too but I want other things in the meantime that I think would improve our quality of life. Like vacations, another baby, a remodel. He's not interested in those things and I think that's why he keeps bringing up divorce. He doesn't think our goals align. And he's right. They don't. But they're close. And in times when we're getting along they're really close because we start wanting to do things for each other.
And I think about whether I could achieve any of that on my own and the answer seems to be probably not. So then I think I might as well stick it out and at least get to see Dom every day and give him a structured home environment. But I don't know if that's the right way to be thinking either.
No.rah Ephr@n wrote in one of her more recent books that it's not necessarily true that parents who don't get along anymore should break up - as in, divorcing parents tell themselves it's better for the kids, but really, she says, unless the parents are actively fighting in front of the kids and getting abusive, it's actually better for the kids to have one home. I think that's probably right. My parents were not affectionate with each other growing up. They got along most of the time but fought some too. They could have hated each other and slept in separate beds and I'd have had no idea. They didn't, they're still married thanks to some counseling and hard work, but you see my point. I want to do what's best for Dom. And then what's best for me. I feel really far from figuring that out and don't want to rush to a decision. But on the other hand, this is the kind of thing where if you continue to not make a decision someday it becomes 30 years and hundreds of sad lonely days and nights later when you finally wake up and that's how regrets are made.
Oh and I asked DH to go to counseling again. He said: "we dont' need counseling, you just need to be nicer." I said "But our fights are getting out of control." He said "I don't want to go to counseling." And that's all that was said. Not good. Sometimes it's like I can feel him giving up.
Monday, March 21, 2011
DH and I started TTC in August 2008. We didn't have much trouble getting pregnant the first time but found out in week 12 that there was no baby. A couple months after that we discovered it had been a partial molar pregnancy with gestational trophoblastic disease that required me to see an oncologist, get serial shots of methotrexate, and wait almost a year before trying again. The whole experience was devastating and traumatic but really taught me a lot and I truly believe I am a better mother for having gone through it.
Once we started trying again we were pregnant within two months and I now have the most wonderful 7 month old boy I could ever have imagined. And the cliche is true - I love him more than I ever thought possible.
In the meantime, my marriage has taken a turn for the worst. DH, who may never have been a good match for me in the first place, is running out of patience with our incompatibility and being unnecessarily mean to me. So I get progressively more tired of having him around, especially since I'm carrying the weight of parenthood, and he gets ticked off that I seem to care less and less. It's a vicious cycle. We're in that weird in between stage - if anyone has ever seriously contemplated divorce you probably know what I'm talking about. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe, divorce doesn't usually happen in one fight or one event. It's sort of a process of falling out of marriage. And I feel like we're in that. And there is still hope. But only if both of us change, and soon.
So I am currently trying to balance the joy and hard work of being a new working mom and the emotional turmoil and frustration surrounding my marriage. Having a new baby is hard enough. Being the primary caretaker (i.e. doing day care pickup and drop off as well as doing all the shopping, preparation, bathing, cleaning, laundering, doctor's appointments, etc.) while holding down a full time + job (I'm an attorney at a large firm) is even harder. Having a difficult marriage on top of all of that is enough to make me want to combust most days. But Dom really keeps me going with a smile on my face for most of the time. Sure in addition to having a healthy baby I'd prefer to have a great marriage and be as SAHM but I realize how lucky I am and having Dom here safe and sound feels like more than I could ever have hoped for. I am positively addicted to him and so very grateful.
During the good times in my turbulent relationship, I dream of another baby. Hopefully in the near future. DH is reluctant but hasn't enforced any method of protection so we've played a little russian roulette over the past couple months. You know, in those times when we're sure we'll stay together, we're sure we're sorry and will do better.
And for those of you who've been following along, AF arrived this weekend - not pregnant.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I want a divorce.
Over the several few months it's no secret that we haven't been getting along, and he's always been quick to play the divorce card but usually it's along the lines of a threatening "do you want a DIVORCE?!" in order to get his way in fights. And this was similar. He said it in the heat of the moment, it started off as an argument about money and just grew in to him feeling like I don't appreciate everything he's done for me. He said it the same way he said he didn't love me a few months ago. At the top of his lungs, scared the dog. And he said after that: I dont' want to be married to you anymore. And other hurtful things. Like when I was apologizing by saying I was stressed out at work and didn't mean to take it out on him he just dug in further "see how stressed out you'll be as a single mom!" He's mean.
I can't explain everything here without using up three hours and getting pretty boring, but I really can see both sides here. He is fed up with me being greedy and selfish and over-emotional and getting on his case about working too much. But he has an almost uncontrollable temper and has always been ready to jump ship and I'm not convinced he ever really wanted to be with me. And every time he does something like this it chips away a little more at my faith in him or in the fact that we should be together. Which makes me treat him worse which makes him madder, which makes this a vicous vicious cycle.
He said the magic words and I still wouldn't hear it. I started begging him to reconsider and "give me a chance" even though I didn't think the entire blame was on me. You should have seen it, it was as if I had cheated on him. That's the level of yelling, and crying and desperation in the room. Ridiculous. I think he's just tired of hearing it and I get that, but I'm entitled to have a bad day and we can get in a fight without it being the end. ESPECIALLY when our son is involved.
Part of me wants to let him go. It's been long enough, we've tried for long enough. He will always blame me for the bad parts of his life like where we live and him not liking his job...even though I've paid dearly having to be subjected to these bouts of rage and insults. And another part says "hey wake up, it's us - it's me and DH. We're supposed to be together." Like there's just no other option and we'll get through it like we've gotten through every other fight. Another part says this is in the realm of 'normal' for the first year with a kid. It's stressful on some relationships. But this kind of thing has been going on since before Dom.
I think there was just one thing driving me to beg him not to leave. Which is Dom. I feel like we're not so far gone that it's not worth giving it a chance for him. It's not like anyone is being physically abusive. And I think he has enough maturity to hold his temper in check when he gets old enough to know better.
But then there's always the other hand. Where the hell is my self respect? Is the only reason I'm not leaving because I'm scared to be alone? Because I'm scared of financing myself? I think a little. But really the reason is that I'd rather withstand hurt like that every day than be away from Dom for a day. If DH would just let us go live our lives with minimal visitation, fine. But I think he'd want more, and probably should have more than that.
I hate that I'm even thinking about this. Where did I go so wrong?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Just to be clear, DH knows I'm not on the pill. I didn't trick him. It bugs me that I'm feeling the least bit guilty about this. Haven't we heard since high school that women should not have to be solely responsible for birth control? Just because it's uncomfortable to talk about does not mean I coerced him into anything. I'm done feeling bad about this. (and btw, how did this ever become an issue for a married couple in their thirties?!)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Dom has been amazing, he is the best baby imaginable. He's still sleeping 12 hrs in a row, eating like a truck driver, we drove 5 hours in one day last week and didn't hear a peep from him other than some happy ramblings, he loves new people, loves daycare, and even when he gets tired he puts on a happy face for company. I am head over heels in love with him. I spend my day craving that moment when I can scoop him up and hold him and devour him with kisses and I don't let go until bedtime.
We take baths in the big person bath now. He loves it, LOVES it. And it's really fun for me to watch him splash around and figure out bubbles and water.
He sits up now if we put him in that position. He leans towards things he wants, he definitely expresses preferences, but he's still pretty immobile. He doesn't try to crawl or roll or sit up on his own. Everyone says he's just not motivated enough. I don't care at all. He's perfect. The only thing we've had trouble with - and I do mean the only thing - is that he will NOT take a bottle of formula from me. Which is a bummer since my breastmilk supply is diving and I'm thinking of weaning him soon. He's so stubborn about it. He will take formula from a bottle at daycare, he will take formula from me if it's spoon fed to him, he eats pretty much anything, but he hates his bottles. Sippy cups don't work either. Since his daycare teachers have figured it out, I don't worry too much about his nutrition or hydration, but I'm not quite sure how you wean a baby who won't take a bottle.
In other news, V (of babymaking 101 fame - basically a co-worker who I get along with on most days but who can be monumentally insensitive and generally ridiculous) had a miscarriage last week. It really rocked her world. She's the kind of person who really believes that nothing bad will happen to her and has always been foolishly optimistic. I've been kind of bitter about her rainbows and sunshine attitude in the past. She's one of those people who you are bitter about because they normally get rewarded for their ignorance with the perfect life. The miscarriage was a stark reminder that it's not always true. And it really rocked her world. She's been pretty unstable ever since. Especially because our mutual friend/co-worker C just had her second healthy beautiful son.
I've decided I am ready for another one. Ideally I'd wait until a few years from now when Dom is out of diapers and daycare isn't as expensive (or even when he starts school), but I don't want to be any older when we start trying again and I'd love to have kids close in age. A couple months ago I was still too scared. And I'm still scared. But I'm more ready than I am scared and I think that's all I can hope for.
One of my greatest fears of course is being faced with a chromosomal abnormality. I am seriously traumatized. But having had a baby, this fear is not as great as it once was. I came to this revelation in the middle of hearing about V's friends who are going through a Down Syndrome scare. I started thinking about Dom and realized that if someone told me tomorrow that he has a deficiency that will cause developmental delay and that he'd never be able to take care of himself, it doesn't change a thing. I love him. He's my child. I remember seeing his froggy breech legs when he was first born - anyone that's had a breech baby knows what i'm talking about. His legs looked like they were horribly disfigured or coming out of the wrong part of his body or something. I didn't care. Not one bit. "That's ok if his legs stick out of his rib cage and he can never walk or look normal," I took note momentarily and went on with my love for my new baby. That's how it should be I think. Mothers are supposed to take care of their babies. No matter what.
I used to be pro choice. Going through pregnancy has changed to a large degree. Certianly there are situations where it might be appropriate, according to me. But those situations are far fewer today. I say this not to start a political debate but rather to put into perspective how much my fear of the unknown has abated.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how I feel about it all if I can't convince DH that baby #2 is a good idea. It used to be that everyone around us was passing us by becoming parents. Now we're getting passed up by their second kids. I feel a little bit back on that roller coaster of envy and hope for trying again and paying attention to my cycles, and I hate it. It's certainly not as bad as it was before. I would honestly be able to be happy if I never had another kid. For sure. But once you allow yourself to want something...well, you know how it goes. It's especially hard if you're going up against your husband. It's not a good feeling to fundamentally disagree on something so important.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I keep telling myself the thing one tells oneself to minimize the guilt involved in dropping your kid off at daycare for 10 hours a day: it's good for Dom, it teaches him socialization, maturity, adaptability, and learning how to entertain himself; even for moms who stay home there are only so many hours of "quality time" involved in a day, it's good for me to work - it'll sustain a long-term career, long term earning, which benefits Dom, etc. etc.; at least I'm the primary care taker (I drop off and pick up and do dr's appointments, etc.) and get a few hours with him even on weekdays - sometimes DH leaves early and comes home late and doesn't even get to see him; Everyone does it.
But I still feel sad. I am positively addicted to Dom and miss him. I miss him when I put him to bed at night. I miss him when i'm in the same room with him but distracted by something else. I crave seeing him again every minute I'm not with him. Every minute.
And this is how it is when he likes daycare and when I'm not that busy at work. God help me on the day he cries when I leave. I don't have any faith that I'll be able to leave. None whatsoever. I think I'll have to leave my job before I leave my baby. But then I remind myself that one day he is going to have to learn about obligations that take him away from his family temporarily. Like school, social engagements, etc. So there's an excuse or a justification for everything I guess. But it's painful. Growing pains I guess. See there I go again with the justifications. And here's one more. I try to concentrate on how lucky I am to have the time I do have with him and how much potential that time has when I put my mind and energy and love into it. And that gets me through the days.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I am not ready.
It kept me up some of the night - could I handle it? Would my joyous time with Dom turn into a crazy stressful situation? Would DH resent me? What if me and DH don't work out? I hadn't even gone back to work yet and have no idea how the new 'normal' would be.
I didn't have any fears about parenthood when I embarked on this journey. Why were they cropping up now? I think that in the last few years I've learned not to mess with a good thing. And what I have now is a really good thing.
And then there are the added fears of pregnancy and the baby's health - will I miscarry again, should I get diagnostic testing or risk another 9 months of agonizing worry? I've had to admit to myself lately that if I knew I had a child with chromosomal problems, and my pregnancy was still in the first tri, I would probably terminate. This raises a whole other slew of problems - does DH feel the same way? How could I live with myself if the CVS results came back bad. If I don't get diagnostic testing and my screening results aren't perfect, how will I (and my family) endure my inevitable pre-partum depression. I read some statistic on how babies who are conceived within a year of their older sibling have a higher risk of SIDS. So that would worry me too. That's how I am.
Point is, I'm scared.
So I even went as far as taking Plan B. I am that risk averse.
I hope I get over this - I'd really like to have two kids. Once I get back to work and things become routine I know I could figure out a way to handle it. It's worth it to me. But I don't know when and if I'll ever be able to cope with the uncertainties of it all again. And I don't want to wait too long. Because as time passes after Dom's first birthday the fears will increase - I'm no spring chicken.
Right now things are good. I don't have any major fears or uncertainties. I'm enjoying life. Enjoying my baby. Why do we always want what we don't have? Why can't we just be satisfied with what we do? I'm going to give it a try for the next 5-6 months and then revisit the second kid question.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I know what you're thinking, I must have stretched out my shoes while I was pregnant. But I'm dubious. I didn't swell much at all during pregnancy and I'm talking about heels that I didn't wear past the first trimester - some I didn't wear at all while I was pregnant. I have some flats that I wore in later trimesters and they did stretch a little, but that doesn't explain the heels. It also doesn't explain why, before pregnancy I was a size 5.5-6 and today I tried on 3 different pairs of shoes, different brands, and the only sizes that fit in each of these three shoes were size 5's! I don't have any size fives at home. Except for the pair I bought today.
This is really weird. I am a little under my pre-pregnancy weight...but only a few pounds. I've weighed less before and it hasn't affected my shoe size. My only other theory is that it's winter. My fingers get skinnier when it's cold - I can tell because my rings feel big. So maybe my feet are smaller too. But I've been through winter before too.
Has anyone else had this problem? I already have a "fat days" wardrobe and am finding it kind of annoying (and expensive) to have to maintain a "skinny days" shoe collection. Not to mention how much it sucks when I've got an outfit all figured out in my head and when I go to put it on with the five minutes I'll have to get dressed in the morning going forward - surprise! shoes don't fit.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I can't really figure out why this is happening. Anyone have any intel on this? I haven't done much research. Dom has started eating baby food but I don't think I breastfeed any less. Another thing it could be is that I get dehydrated. I've taken to having a glass of wine (or two) after Dom goes to bed since I know I have a solid 10 hours before I have to feed him. And I'm not a big fan of water so I'm sure my milk production isn't at its full potential anyway. Does AF mean my production is going to decrease even more? I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth pumping when I go back to work in two weeks. It's SUCH a big production - all the extra time out during the day and spending evenings cleaning equipment, sterilizing, etc. But the benefits are also huge. I think I'll give it a try and see how it goes.
So by the looks of it, I'm probably cycling. And I'm also sleeping in the same bed as my husband lately. Which raises an interesting question: To go back on the pill...or to not go back on the pill. We've played Russian roulette a few times since Dimitri was born, thinking the chances of pregnancy were super low. But with AF here, that indicates that the chances have increased quite a bit. Like we really need to decide if we want a second baby. And if so, how soon.
I definitely want a second one. Dom is one of those babies that convinces parents that kids are easy peasy and nothing but joy. And then the second one is a holy terror. And then both kids eventually turn two and you have no idea what you were thinking. Ditto when they turn 14. But for some reason, my gut is saying - have two. I want to grow old with a larger family. I love being a mom. But I don't think we can afford a lot of kids - two is a good happy medium. DH is still undecided about the second one. Everyone in our lives is telling us have two. NO ONE has ever offered the opinion that one is the perfect number. I did learn a valuable lesson with that second furbaby though. Which was: Don't blindly forge ahead with plans designed to make your life more complicated. THINK THEM THROUGH. Going with your gut is not always the best idea. On the other hand trusting my gut worked like a charm for child #1. If I had waited until DH was ready instead of forging ahead and putting the pressure on and not taking "no" for an answer, we never would have ended up with our beautiful baby. Now, putting aside for a minute the inherent problems in a marriage where spouse #1 has to figuratively beat spouse #2 over the head in order to get a baby out of him, why should things be any different with the second child.
Obviously there are pros and cons to two kids versus one. And their are pros and cons to waiting to have number two. And maybe it makes sense to go back on the pill while we sort these issues out (not to mention that we can't just "put aside" the fact that DH and I may not be compatible long term). But on the other hand, if we are both more or less on board with having a second one...I'm not convinced there is much harm in throwing caution to the wind for a while. There's obviously no guarantee of anything happening. And if something does, well, we'll have to focus on the pros to having babies back-to-back.
...or we could just wait and enjoy the time with Dom and without the furbaby that we adopted out, and with the newfound peace and fun in our relationship. Things are pretty good right now. And that crazy dog is the one who taught me not to take times like this for granted. It's funny how sometimes your worst nightmare can, in time, become one of life's greatest blessings.
Monday, January 10, 2011
But then there was a shift. I don't know if he had just gotten used to fhe drill of giving her up or if he was more comfortable with the new arrangement, but he let it go. Little by little, he started to warm back up to me and our life together and our future. New Year's day he was back in our bedroom for the first time in a couple months, he said "let's start the new year off right," he made a couple demands of me like "if we're going to stay together you need to come up with a budget." Mostly because I want things like another kid and a bigger house and the occasional vacation and for him everything comes down to money. He hates his job and wants to make sure I'm doing my part to achieve my goals.... I'm a little bitter that he's still blaming me for every turn our lives take and every proactive decision to do anything (like a 2d kid or a vacation) and holding me accountable for the $'s and the results, bad or good. Like he swears he could do without vacation. Really? Do I want to spend my life with someone like that? But I could stand to pay more attention to how much I'm spending. So we're taking it a step at a time.
He's been incredibly good to me lately, incredibly helpful around the house, great with Dom, although he will not stop talking about how much he misses the furbaby. I tell him I know, it's the worst thing I've ever done - making him go through this - but I also say that I don't regret it, that it was the right decision, that it's clearly better for the dog (not to mention for us and our other dog), and I leave it at that. He's the kind of person who takes a while to come around to things, but I have a feeling that one day he will understand how obviously right it was to do things my way. I just wish it hadn't taken 4 months of me being seriously clinically depressed for him to take that first step.
Dom is great, ever the love of my life. I have really grown to appreciate the CPC scare. Envisioning life with a T18 child really put things in perspective. No amount of dirty diapers or screaming in public could ever compare to having your child's life taken too soon and I feel I am a better parent for having gone through my bout of pre-partum depression.
As I near the end of my maternity leave (I have two weeks left) I am noticing that my days of taking him out and about are numbered anyway. I spent 6 hours at the mall with a friend this weekend - we did pedicures and lunch and shopping and coffee - it was a blast and Dom was SO good. But my parents were thinking about a trip to a museum in the city next weekend and that seems patently impossible. The mall is one thing - there are changing tables and places to feed him, etc. But there are some places that just won't work they way they might have when he was a newborn. And even these day trips I've been making will probably be close to impossible once he starts moving around on his own and once he needs more than a hanging stuffed animal to keep him entertained. This is one of the things I tell myself to try to make myself less miserable about going back to work. Oh how I wish I liked my job.
I'm going to try to not obsess over the differences between my husband and I and just live life more in the present for a while. And I've come up with some New Year's Resolutions to keep myself busy (ha ha).
2. work on my posture
3. come out of every store with only the things I went in for.
4. No new bags for the rest of 2011. Seriously.
5. Ditto for shoes
6. For those of you who think I'm being too hard on myself, I got both a new bag and a new pair of shoes in January. And I have plenty of both, believe me.
7. When something new comes in, something else has gotta go
10. Related to #9, eat out less. Starbucks OR Rubio's. Not Starbucks AND Rubio's.
11. Write an article for work
12. Donate and return with abandon
13. Stay on top of my photo library