Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not much progress

I appreciate your comments, I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for everything. But when a marriage which is as civil as ours has been fails, sometimes it does take two. I don't mean to disperage myself, but I have to look at characteristics of myself that are incompatible with characteristics of DH or at least that are causing some miscommunication.

Marriage is hard, everyone says it. But then they tell me about some fight they got into about him not doing the dishes that was over in a couple hours and no one even mentioned divorce. It shouldn't be this hard. I need to figure out if I can get over being sad and angry without leaving the marriage. Or if I need to leave to attain some peace. I have definitely always been selfish with my time and money, that is until Dom arrived. I'm very controlling. I like to be in control of everything, that's why I do most of the work. I feel like if I don't do it, it won't be done right. But it's also things like controlling the remote. And DH lets me, for the most part.

Last night we talked. I told him I didn't want a divorce. I showed him the budget he's been asking me to do for the last several months to show my committment and to show that I could do something he asked me to (like he gave up his dog). He said his first priority was paying down our house. I want that too but I want other things in the meantime that I think would improve our quality of life. Like vacations, another baby, a remodel. He's not interested in those things and I think that's why he keeps bringing up divorce. He doesn't think our goals align. And he's right. They don't. But they're close. And in times when we're getting along they're really close because we start wanting to do things for each other.

And I think about whether I could achieve any of that on my own and the answer seems to be probably not. So then I think I might as well stick it out and at least get to see Dom every day and give him a structured home environment. But I don't know if that's the right way to be thinking either.

No.rah Ephr@n wrote in one of her more recent books that it's not necessarily true that parents who don't get along anymore should break up - as in, divorcing parents tell themselves it's better for the kids, but really, she says, unless the parents are actively fighting in front of the kids and getting abusive, it's actually better for the kids to have one home. I think that's probably right. My parents were not affectionate with each other growing up. They got along most of the time but fought some too. They could have hated each other and slept in separate beds and I'd have had no idea. They didn't, they're still married thanks to some counseling and hard work, but you see my point. I want to do what's best for Dom. And then what's best for me. I feel really far from figuring that out and don't want to rush to a decision. But on the other hand, this is the kind of thing where if you continue to not make a decision someday it becomes 30 years and hundreds of sad lonely days and nights later when you finally wake up and that's how regrets are made.

Oh and I asked DH to go to counseling again. He said: "we dont' need counseling, you just need to be nicer." I said "But our fights are getting out of control." He said "I don't want to go to counseling." And that's all that was said. Not good. Sometimes it's like I can feel him giving up.


  1. Hi, I'm stopping in from ICLW. I am so, so sorry that you are going through such a painful time. I hope that your DH changes his mind about the counseling, and that you are able to find some peace, whatever decision you make.

  2. Wow, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this in your marriage right now and having a new little one in the picture makes everything that much more stressful. I hope you can both come to a decision soon that will be healthy for everyone involved. ((Hugs))

    ICLW 149

  3. I'm no expert (although I have been through a divorce but it was ions ago) but all I have heard about therapy is good things. If DH won't go with you, go on your own. If for anything to vent. And maybe get some clarity. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes. *Hugs*

  4. astrid, if you think that his marriage is worth saving and that your husband can learn to be nice and treat you with respect and that you can actually be happy, then by all means, try to work it out, but PLEASE, don't trap yourself in an unhappy marriage and spend the next 18 years of your life miserable, it's such a waste. you deserve happiness, just like everyone else in the world does.

  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're right - marriage is hard. Especially with children. But you're also right in that it shouldn't be this hard. I think you need to see a couples counselor like yesterday. And if he refuses that says a lot about what he wants to get out of all of this. I hope you can find the best solution for you and your son. Good luck.