Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not much progress

I appreciate your comments, I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for everything. But when a marriage which is as civil as ours has been fails, sometimes it does take two. I don't mean to disperage myself, but I have to look at characteristics of myself that are incompatible with characteristics of DH or at least that are causing some miscommunication.

Marriage is hard, everyone says it. But then they tell me about some fight they got into about him not doing the dishes that was over in a couple hours and no one even mentioned divorce. It shouldn't be this hard. I need to figure out if I can get over being sad and angry without leaving the marriage. Or if I need to leave to attain some peace. I have definitely always been selfish with my time and money, that is until Dom arrived. I'm very controlling. I like to be in control of everything, that's why I do most of the work. I feel like if I don't do it, it won't be done right. But it's also things like controlling the remote. And DH lets me, for the most part.

Last night we talked. I told him I didn't want a divorce. I showed him the budget he's been asking me to do for the last several months to show my committment and to show that I could do something he asked me to (like he gave up his dog). He said his first priority was paying down our house. I want that too but I want other things in the meantime that I think would improve our quality of life. Like vacations, another baby, a remodel. He's not interested in those things and I think that's why he keeps bringing up divorce. He doesn't think our goals align. And he's right. They don't. But they're close. And in times when we're getting along they're really close because we start wanting to do things for each other.

And I think about whether I could achieve any of that on my own and the answer seems to be probably not. So then I think I might as well stick it out and at least get to see Dom every day and give him a structured home environment. But I don't know if that's the right way to be thinking either.

No.rah Ephr@n wrote in one of her more recent books that it's not necessarily true that parents who don't get along anymore should break up - as in, divorcing parents tell themselves it's better for the kids, but really, she says, unless the parents are actively fighting in front of the kids and getting abusive, it's actually better for the kids to have one home. I think that's probably right. My parents were not affectionate with each other growing up. They got along most of the time but fought some too. They could have hated each other and slept in separate beds and I'd have had no idea. They didn't, they're still married thanks to some counseling and hard work, but you see my point. I want to do what's best for Dom. And then what's best for me. I feel really far from figuring that out and don't want to rush to a decision. But on the other hand, this is the kind of thing where if you continue to not make a decision someday it becomes 30 years and hundreds of sad lonely days and nights later when you finally wake up and that's how regrets are made.

Oh and I asked DH to go to counseling again. He said: "we dont' need counseling, you just need to be nicer." I said "But our fights are getting out of control." He said "I don't want to go to counseling." And that's all that was said. Not good. Sometimes it's like I can feel him giving up.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Hi ICLWers! I haven't participated in a while, a lot has happened since the last time. Here's my story:

DH and I started TTC in August 2008. We didn't have much trouble getting pregnant the first time but found out in week 12 that there was no baby. A couple months after that we discovered it had been a partial molar pregnancy with gestational trophoblastic disease that required me to see an oncologist, get serial shots of methotrexate, and wait almost a year before trying again. The whole experience was devastating and traumatic but really taught me a lot and I truly believe I am a better mother for having gone through it.

Once we started trying again we were pregnant within two months and I now have the most wonderful 7 month old boy I could ever have imagined. And the cliche is true - I love him more than I ever thought possible.

In the meantime, my marriage has taken a turn for the worst. DH, who may never have been a good match for me in the first place, is running out of patience with our incompatibility and being unnecessarily mean to me. So I get progressively more tired of having him around, especially since I'm carrying the weight of parenthood, and he gets ticked off that I seem to care less and less. It's a vicious cycle. We're in that weird in between stage - if anyone has ever seriously contemplated divorce you probably know what I'm talking about. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe, divorce doesn't usually happen in one fight or one event. It's sort of a process of falling out of marriage. And I feel like we're in that. And there is still hope. But only if both of us change, and soon.

So I am currently trying to balance the joy and hard work of being a new working mom and the emotional turmoil and frustration surrounding my marriage. Having a new baby is hard enough. Being the primary caretaker (i.e. doing day care pickup and drop off as well as doing all the shopping, preparation, bathing, cleaning, laundering, doctor's appointments, etc.) while holding down a full time + job (I'm an attorney at a large firm) is even harder. Having a difficult marriage on top of all of that is enough to make me want to combust most days. But Dom really keeps me going with a smile on my face for most of the time. Sure in addition to having a healthy baby I'd prefer to have a great marriage and be as SAHM but I realize how lucky I am and having Dom here safe and sound feels like more than I could ever have hoped for. I am positively addicted to him and so very grateful.

During the good times in my turbulent relationship, I dream of another baby. Hopefully in the near future. DH is reluctant but hasn't enforced any method of protection so we've played a little russian roulette over the past couple months. You know, in those times when we're sure we'll stay together, we're sure we're sorry and will do better.

And for those of you who've been following along, AF arrived this weekend - not pregnant.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dark days

DH said the words. Finally.

I want a divorce.

Over the several few months it's no secret that we haven't been getting along, and he's always been quick to play the divorce card but usually it's along the lines of a threatening "do you want a DIVORCE?!" in order to get his way in fights. And this was similar. He said it in the heat of the moment, it started off as an argument about money and just grew in to him feeling like I don't appreciate everything he's done for me. He said it the same way he said he didn't love me a few months ago. At the top of his lungs, scared the dog. And he said after that: I dont' want to be married to you anymore. And other hurtful things. Like when I was apologizing by saying I was stressed out at work and didn't mean to take it out on him he just dug in further "see how stressed out you'll be as a single mom!" He's mean.

I can't explain everything here without using up three hours and getting pretty boring, but I really can see both sides here. He is fed up with me being greedy and selfish and over-emotional and getting on his case about working too much. But he has an almost uncontrollable temper and has always been ready to jump ship and I'm not convinced he ever really wanted to be with me. And every time he does something like this it chips away a little more at my faith in him or in the fact that we should be together. Which makes me treat him worse which makes him madder, which makes this a vicous vicious cycle.

He said the magic words and I still wouldn't hear it. I started begging him to reconsider and "give me a chance" even though I didn't think the entire blame was on me. You should have seen it, it was as if I had cheated on him. That's the level of yelling, and crying and desperation in the room. Ridiculous. I think he's just tired of hearing it and I get that, but I'm entitled to have a bad day and we can get in a fight without it being the end. ESPECIALLY when our son is involved.

Part of me wants to let him go. It's been long enough, we've tried for long enough. He will always blame me for the bad parts of his life like where we live and him not liking his job...even though I've paid dearly having to be subjected to these bouts of rage and insults. And another part says "hey wake up, it's us - it's me and DH. We're supposed to be together." Like there's just no other option and we'll get through it like we've gotten through every other fight. Another part says this is in the realm of 'normal' for the first year with a kid. It's stressful on some relationships. But this kind of thing has been going on since before Dom.

I think there was just one thing driving me to beg him not to leave. Which is Dom. I feel like we're not so far gone that it's not worth giving it a chance for him. It's not like anyone is being physically abusive. And I think he has enough maturity to hold his temper in check when he gets old enough to know better.

But then there's always the other hand. Where the hell is my self respect? Is the only reason I'm not leaving because I'm scared to be alone? Because I'm scared of financing myself? I think a little. But really the reason is that I'd rather withstand hurt like that every day than be away from Dom for a day. If DH would just let us go live our lives with minimal visitation, fine. But I think he'd want more, and probably should have more than that.

I hate that I'm even thinking about this. Where did I go so wrong?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Update to the update

Uh-oh. DH and I dtd last night. Without protection. On day 20 (pre-pregnancy I was a day 18 or 19 ovulator). What have I gotten us into? Half of me hopes it was too late for the sake of my marriage. The other half wants another baby asap. I guess I'm in the two week wait. Exciting. And scary.

Just to be clear, DH knows I'm not on the pill. I didn't trick him. It bugs me that I'm feeling the least bit guilty about this. Haven't we heard since high school that women should not have to be solely responsible for birth control? Just because it's uncomfortable to talk about does not mean I coerced him into anything. I'm done feeling bad about this. (and btw, how did this ever become an issue for a married couple in their thirties?!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Just an update

Man I miss blogging. I'm glad work has been busy but I do need this outlet and support system.

Dom has been amazing, he is the best baby imaginable. He's still sleeping 12 hrs in a row, eating like a truck driver, we drove 5 hours in one day last week and didn't hear a peep from him other than some happy ramblings, he loves new people, loves daycare, and even when he gets tired he puts on a happy face for company. I am head over heels in love with him. I spend my day craving that moment when I can scoop him up and hold him and devour him with kisses and I don't let go until bedtime.

We take baths in the big person bath now. He loves it, LOVES it. And it's really fun for me to watch him splash around and figure out bubbles and water.

He sits up now if we put him in that position. He leans towards things he wants, he definitely expresses preferences, but he's still pretty immobile. He doesn't try to crawl or roll or sit up on his own. Everyone says he's just not motivated enough. I don't care at all. He's perfect. The only thing we've had trouble with - and I do mean the only thing - is that he will NOT take a bottle of formula from me. Which is a bummer since my breastmilk supply is diving and I'm thinking of weaning him soon. He's so stubborn about it. He will take formula from a bottle at daycare, he will take formula from me if it's spoon fed to him, he eats pretty much anything, but he hates his bottles. Sippy cups don't work either. Since his daycare teachers have figured it out, I don't worry too much about his nutrition or hydration, but I'm not quite sure how you wean a baby who won't take a bottle.

In other news, V (of babymaking 101 fame - basically a co-worker who I get along with on most days but who can be monumentally insensitive and generally ridiculous) had a miscarriage last week. It really rocked her world. She's the kind of person who really believes that nothing bad will happen to her and has always been foolishly optimistic. I've been kind of bitter about her rainbows and sunshine attitude in the past. She's one of those people who you are bitter about because they normally get rewarded for their ignorance with the perfect life. The miscarriage was a stark reminder that it's not always true. And it really rocked her world. She's been pretty unstable ever since. Especially because our mutual friend/co-worker C just had her second healthy beautiful son.

I've decided I am ready for another one. Ideally I'd wait until a few years from now when Dom is out of diapers and daycare isn't as expensive (or even when he starts school), but I don't want to be any older when we start trying again and I'd love to have kids close in age. A couple months ago I was still too scared. And I'm still scared. But I'm more ready than I am scared and I think that's all I can hope for.

One of my greatest fears of course is being faced with a chromosomal abnormality. I am seriously traumatized. But having had a baby, this fear is not as great as it once was. I came to this revelation in the middle of hearing about V's friends who are going through a Down Syndrome scare. I started thinking about Dom and realized that if someone told me tomorrow that he has a deficiency that will cause developmental delay and that he'd never be able to take care of himself, it doesn't change a thing. I love him. He's my child. I remember seeing his froggy breech legs when he was first born - anyone that's had a breech baby knows what i'm talking about. His legs looked like they were horribly disfigured or coming out of the wrong part of his body or something. I didn't care. Not one bit. "That's ok if his legs stick out of his rib cage and he can never walk or look normal," I took note momentarily and went on with my love for my new baby. That's how it should be I think. Mothers are supposed to take care of their babies. No matter what.

I used to be pro choice. Going through pregnancy has changed to a large degree. Certianly there are situations where it might be appropriate, according to me. But those situations are far fewer today. I say this not to start a political debate but rather to put into perspective how much my fear of the unknown has abated.

Anyway, it doesn't matter how I feel about it all if I can't convince DH that baby #2 is a good idea. It used to be that everyone around us was passing us by becoming parents. Now we're getting passed up by their second kids. I feel a little bit back on that roller coaster of envy and hope for trying again and paying attention to my cycles, and I hate it. It's certainly not as bad as it was before. I would honestly be able to be happy if I never had another kid. For sure. But once you allow yourself to want something...well, you know how it goes. It's especially hard if you're going up against your husband. It's not a good feeling to fundamentally disagree on something so important.