Monday, March 21, 2011


Hi ICLWers! I haven't participated in a while, a lot has happened since the last time. Here's my story:

DH and I started TTC in August 2008. We didn't have much trouble getting pregnant the first time but found out in week 12 that there was no baby. A couple months after that we discovered it had been a partial molar pregnancy with gestational trophoblastic disease that required me to see an oncologist, get serial shots of methotrexate, and wait almost a year before trying again. The whole experience was devastating and traumatic but really taught me a lot and I truly believe I am a better mother for having gone through it.

Once we started trying again we were pregnant within two months and I now have the most wonderful 7 month old boy I could ever have imagined. And the cliche is true - I love him more than I ever thought possible.

In the meantime, my marriage has taken a turn for the worst. DH, who may never have been a good match for me in the first place, is running out of patience with our incompatibility and being unnecessarily mean to me. So I get progressively more tired of having him around, especially since I'm carrying the weight of parenthood, and he gets ticked off that I seem to care less and less. It's a vicious cycle. We're in that weird in between stage - if anyone has ever seriously contemplated divorce you probably know what I'm talking about. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe, divorce doesn't usually happen in one fight or one event. It's sort of a process of falling out of marriage. And I feel like we're in that. And there is still hope. But only if both of us change, and soon.

So I am currently trying to balance the joy and hard work of being a new working mom and the emotional turmoil and frustration surrounding my marriage. Having a new baby is hard enough. Being the primary caretaker (i.e. doing day care pickup and drop off as well as doing all the shopping, preparation, bathing, cleaning, laundering, doctor's appointments, etc.) while holding down a full time + job (I'm an attorney at a large firm) is even harder. Having a difficult marriage on top of all of that is enough to make me want to combust most days. But Dom really keeps me going with a smile on my face for most of the time. Sure in addition to having a healthy baby I'd prefer to have a great marriage and be as SAHM but I realize how lucky I am and having Dom here safe and sound feels like more than I could ever have hoped for. I am positively addicted to him and so very grateful.

During the good times in my turbulent relationship, I dream of another baby. Hopefully in the near future. DH is reluctant but hasn't enforced any method of protection so we've played a little russian roulette over the past couple months. You know, in those times when we're sure we'll stay together, we're sure we're sorry and will do better.

And for those of you who've been following along, AF arrived this weekend - not pregnant.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Astrid. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I don't know how far back you read, but my husband and I have a pretty turbulent relationship ourselves. We talk about divorce, but when we get down to brass tacks we always realize we'd rather be together than apart. So I think I know what you mean about the in between times. For me, I think as long as we're still having good times, it's worth staying together. But I wish you strength and best of luck however things end up.