Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Just an update

Dom is the most amazing thing in the whole world. Have I mentioned that lately? He's so goood natured and funny and SUCH a reliable sleeper. Sometimes I freak out about "ruining" things with another baby. I feel really bad about even thinking that, let alone writing it "out loud" but it's just a fleeting thought usually. It's just that things have been so good lately, so easy. So pleasant. It's just like me to look for a way to add complication. Like a "surprise" pregnancy. Sometimes, especially with the cast of depression and anxiety that morning sickness + hormones can cause in the first trimester, I think maybe....just maybe....DH had a point when he said we should just have one. But then I snap out of it. There is no way I would have ever stopped trying to convince him to have another one. And I am excited about the new baby. I think aside from the hormones I'm also just afraid of what people will say. Once we are able to tell people, I'm sure some of the uncertainty and guilt will dissipate. And sometimes I think all this hesitation comes from the thought that this is too good to be true. Why should I be so lucky as to have such a perfect baby and have fallen pregnant again with the second one so quickly and easily. What did I do to deserve this?

And there are countless advantages to having them close. Like they might just be friends and it will be an easier transition for Dom. And I will be done with pregnancy forever without having to deal with that advanced maternal age headache.

Dom is growing and developing faster than I can really keep track of. He just started crawling and now all of the sudden he's pulling himself up into a standing position on the couch. He was trying to grab at some wine bottles at my parents' this weekend and I kept saying no and moving his hand away. And once he went back, put his hand on a bottle, then paused, and looked at me with this big 'ol grin on his face. When did mischievious-ness become part of his personality? How does that happen?

DH's bond with him grows stronger the more interactive he gets. My mom friends are similar, they're the type that can't wait to get the newborn stage over with and wish their kids would just come out 2 years old. But I've always felt an intense addiction to and bond with my baby, from day one. You will not hear me complaining that my 3 month old isn't interesting enough. So as fun as Dom is now, I'm sad that those early days are gone. But it seems that they may come again.

I'm feeling a little more sick than a few weeks ago. I've actually thrown up a few times now, but nothing, NOTHING like last time. Although last time I was on zofran so I didn't feel it much. This time I haven't (yet) medicated so I feel at least a little sick all the time. I find myself wondering if the tamer morning sickness has anything to do with the gender. I'm sure not, that's silly. DH is convinced it's a girl. We were all convinced of that last time. This time I think he's right though, just because of the timing. Although the heartrate and HCG were both lower this time. Whatever, I learned with my first pregnancy not to try to predict the gender.

The key to staving off morning sickness these days, as with most pregnancies, is staying full. But for some reason I've just been too lazy to cook and I'm pretty picky about what I eat due to the nausiousness. So I don't think I'm getting enough to eat. My first hint was when I stepped on the scale at my viability scan. I'm 10lbs less than I was at my 7 week viability scan with Dom. I have not worked out since that 7 week scan over a year ago. So pregnancy and breastfeeding have really taken their toll on my reserves. I have the unique "problem" of all my clothes not fitting after pregnancy...because they're too big.

I'm really tired. I can't get enough sleep. I've fallen asleep at work. I go to bed at 9:30 instead of 11.

But already I feel like this pregnancy is going by faster than the first. I think it's because I'm not as obsessed with it. I have a lot on my mind, I'm incredibly busy, and I'm not as paranoid. Let's hope everything stays uneventful.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Today's ultrasound

I've been in a pre-appointment funk. Not blogging, keeping really busy at work. Trying not to think about the pregnancy. Not even talking about it with DH. It's just too scary. I just haven't felt pregnant. In both my unsuccessful and successful pregnancies I have been extraordinarily sick by now. Like head in the toilet bowl once per hour, taking days off from work or, alternatively, being medicated to be able to function and keep even water down. I read somewhere that "studies show" 2/3 of women will have similar symptoms of pregnancy in all of their pregnancies. Only 1/3 will truly be an example of "every pregnancy is different." So in my risk-averse, traumatic ultrasound world, that meant: don't get attached to this one.

I know I have time to have another one, I know DH is more on-board now with another baby and that our marriage is on the right track. I know that miscarriages happen. But I've grown attached to the timing of this one, excited about having my pregnant life over with after lo these three long years. And also weighing heavily on my mind is how awful my D&C was. I have never felt pain like that. All other things being equal - like even if these procedures had nothing whatsoever to do with babies - c-section wins over (awake) D&C hands down. For me. I know reasonable minds may differ.

My boobs aren't sore. I haven't thrown up. I felt like maybe I could twice...but I couldn't. Most of the time I don't even feel sick. I don't have the same round ligament pain when I sneeze that I did a few weeks ago. I am tired. But I've been working around the clock. There are moments when I have convinced myself that I will be shocked if there's actually an on-track embryo in there. Shocked.

So today was my viability scan. 7w5d. The appointment was for 11:30 and I blocked out my whole day, giving up much needed hours and maybe looking flaky to a partner or two. I had to, in case I needed the rest of the day to grieve or get that D&C. I imagined myself in tears after the appointment, going straight to the daycare to hug Dom and going home to squeeze every moment I could out of the day with my beautiful baby and take my mind off the loss. I've been seriously emotional. Like I cry when I just think about Dom, I love him so much.

DH came to the appointment with me. He's not attached to the pregnancy, but he was afraid if it went badly that I'd be inconsolable. He's right, I would be. And I would need him to drive me home if I had to have a "procedure."

I was listening to my favorite radio DJs on my way to work this morning and they were talking about a poll of whether people were really superstitious about Friday the 13th. And one of the DJs said something about how she's sort of reverse-superstitious about it because it usually turns out to be a good day for her and how she now just assumes everything will go extremely well on Friday the 13th. I felt like picking up my iphone and texting in a thank you. I needed to hear that.

The appointment went well. The punchline is that there was a little tiny but correctly-sized baby in there. With a heartbeat in the 150's. Unbelievable. Oh god I'm tearing up again. And I LOVE my new OBG. Right away I could sense a huge difference from the old one. She is sensitive and undertstanding and takes the time to address my worries rather than treating me like I'm crazy. She really sat down with us to discuss the plan of action for the coming weeks even though she was behind in her schedule. She brought us to her office instead of rushing in and out and forgetting to give me crucial information. She seems like she has a lot of patience, and hopefully her assistant is more competent that my former obg's 'cause you end up communicating through the assistant half the time anyway.

I kept wondering if I would run into my old obg in the halls. I heard her once right outside my room but didn't see her. After today I don't even care. I made the right choice.

I haven't told anyone but DH and V at work. V and I share everything about babymaking. Like I pretty much know precisely which day next week she will be "trying again" after a pretty traumatic miscarriage a couple months ago (she'd already seen the heartbeat and miscarried at 12 weeks and long story short ended up in the ER). Even if I don't want to know that kind of detail, she's one of those "sharers" and sometimes I need someone to talk to so it works out.

So far so good. Oh and the EDD is christmas day :)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fifteen days

That's the number of days that elapsed in my pregnancy with Dom between the day I got a positive HPT to the day morning sickness set in and I threw up over a prenatal. It went downhill fast after that. With my first, unsuccesful, pregnancy I didn't get sick until around week 8.

So this time around that fifteen day mark would have been Friday. I did not freak out when I didn't get sick Friday. I was pretty proud of myself. But now it's day 17, and even though I know (I know I know) every pregnancy is different, and that most pregnancies are not as bad as Dom's I am still starting to feel like maybe this isn't good. Like I have this short window - get sick at 6 weeks = baby. Closer to 8 weeks = no baby, year of misery and pain, traumatized for life. Maybe this isn't the one. I have grown so attached to everything about this pregnancy. DH is on board. I'm thrilled about the timing. I've been really putting in my time with food and prenatals and cleaning the house assuming morning sickness would set in with a vengeance like last time. But I still wait...

I've woken up the last two days feeling like I had a hangover. But not feeling properly nauseous and I still have an appetite. I do feel out of control thirsty, I pee a lot, and I'm eating like a truck driver. Also I'm downing 2 prenatals a day (+ extra folic acid). I am concerned that my reserves are a little low so soon after producing the first baby.

When I said that DH was on board, I meant he was mostly on board. I still get these implications of "you wanted it it's your problem" from him. Like the other night when he started talking out of the blue about how he was not going to be getting up in the middle of the night. Ever. Even when I go back to work. Seriously? He said I wanted the baby I take care of it. Like it's a pet hampster. I got angry and he eventually claimed he was just kidding, but I know him, he was just being an a$$. Also, I mentioned to him how Dom had kicked me in the stomach yesterday (it was a pretty strong kick but at this point, even I'm not worried really) and he goes "See he doesn't want a sibling. I told you you should have asked him first." Really? But most of the time he's sweet about it. And if the pregnancy is viable I have to think he'll only get more vested.

The first baby, btw, is in his 14th hour of sleep for the night at 10AM. This kid is amazing. AMAZING. There's really nothing else to say. I am so in love with him. And not just 'cause he's a good sleeper.