Today's ultrasound

I've been in a pre-appointment funk. Not blogging, keeping really busy at work. Trying not to think about the pregnancy. Not even talking about it with DH. It's just too scary. I just haven't felt pregnant. In both my unsuccessful and successful pregnancies I have been extraordinarily sick by now. Like head in the toilet bowl once per hour, taking days off from work or, alternatively, being medicated to be able to function and keep even water down. I read somewhere that "studies show" 2/3 of women will have similar symptoms of pregnancy in all of their pregnancies. Only 1/3 will truly be an example of "every pregnancy is different." So in my risk-averse, traumatic ultrasound world, that meant: don't get attached to this one.

I know I have time to have another one, I know DH is more on-board now with another baby and that our marriage is on the right track. I know that miscarriages happen. But I've grown attached to the timing of this one, excited about having my pregnant life over with after lo these three long years. And also weighing heavily on my mind is how awful my D&C was. I have never felt pain like that. All other things being equal - like even if these procedures had nothing whatsoever to do with babies - c-section wins over (awake) D&C hands down. For me. I know reasonable minds may differ.

My boobs aren't sore. I haven't thrown up. I felt like maybe I could twice...but I couldn't. Most of the time I don't even feel sick. I don't have the same round ligament pain when I sneeze that I did a few weeks ago. I am tired. But I've been working around the clock. There are moments when I have convinced myself that I will be shocked if there's actually an on-track embryo in there. Shocked.

So today was my viability scan. 7w5d. The appointment was for 11:30 and I blocked out my whole day, giving up much needed hours and maybe looking flaky to a partner or two. I had to, in case I needed the rest of the day to grieve or get that D&C. I imagined myself in tears after the appointment, going straight to the daycare to hug Dom and going home to squeeze every moment I could out of the day with my beautiful baby and take my mind off the loss. I've been seriously emotional. Like I cry when I just think about Dom, I love him so much.

DH came to the appointment with me. He's not attached to the pregnancy, but he was afraid if it went badly that I'd be inconsolable. He's right, I would be. And I would need him to drive me home if I had to have a "procedure."

I was listening to my favorite radio DJs on my way to work this morning and they were talking about a poll of whether people were really superstitious about Friday the 13th. And one of the DJs said something about how she's sort of reverse-superstitious about it because it usually turns out to be a good day for her and how she now just assumes everything will go extremely well on Friday the 13th. I felt like picking up my iphone and texting in a thank you. I needed to hear that.

The appointment went well. The punchline is that there was a little tiny but correctly-sized baby in there. With a heartbeat in the 150's. Unbelievable. Oh god I'm tearing up again. And I LOVE my new OBG. Right away I could sense a huge difference from the old one. She is sensitive and undertstanding and takes the time to address my worries rather than treating me like I'm crazy. She really sat down with us to discuss the plan of action for the coming weeks even though she was behind in her schedule. She brought us to her office instead of rushing in and out and forgetting to give me crucial information. She seems like she has a lot of patience, and hopefully her assistant is more competent that my former obg's 'cause you end up communicating through the assistant half the time anyway.

I kept wondering if I would run into my old obg in the halls. I heard her once right outside my room but didn't see her. After today I don't even care. I made the right choice.

I haven't told anyone but DH and V at work. V and I share everything about babymaking. Like I pretty much know precisely which day next week she will be "trying again" after a pretty traumatic miscarriage a couple months ago (she'd already seen the heartbeat and miscarried at 12 weeks and long story short ended up in the ER). Even if I don't want to know that kind of detail, she's one of those "sharers" and sometimes I need someone to talk to so it works out.

So far so good. Oh and the EDD is christmas day :)