Thursday, April 7, 2011

Who spends that much on a watch?

Things have been better, albeit a little fragile, on the home front. DH and I are actually getting along really well. But we're being really careful. Or maybe you could just call it "working really hard" at keeping things civil. You're supposed to work hard at a marriage right? So instead of "walking on eggshells," I'll call it "working on it." We have plans for a pretty formal night out in a couple weeks and DH is getting away for a guys' weekend this week. I gave him some responsibilities with Dom in the mornings, namely to change and feed him while I'm getting ready for work and packing for daycare. It seemed only fair since he spends about 10 minutes getting ready compared to my 40+. And I have the longer commute. Not to mention daycare duty. And I think he enjoys ownership over part of Dom's routine. It is hard for me to give up that moment when I wake him up and hold and squeeze him every morning, but I think it's really important that DH feel involved and not alienated. I found this article this morning (several days after I started this change in routine) blaming women for the strain put on relationships when they become over-controlling re: babies and over-critical of their husbands. I don't agree with all of it and don't think I've ever been as bad as the author in terms of how she treats her DH...also, I work so I don't have any bitterness that DH gets to keep his career (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even if I did stay home). I am really jealous of moms that get to stay home. I know it's not always bliss, and it's work, but I am the kind of person that will never get over feeling like I should be spending every minute possible with my kid(s). I just know how precious each second is and I savor each one like it's the last and feel guilty that I'm missing out on so much. Like Dom's first finger painting and the first time he tried yogurt. His mom should be around for that kind of thing. The "teachers" at the daycare are always telling me how strong he is and how he tries to scoot himself around 'cause he can't crawl yet and they explain things like this to me as if I had been gone a month. I know my kid. I'm with him every day for as long as possible. Pretty sure I know how much he yearns to be mobile and how he shakes his head and yells like he wants to gobble you up. He's done that since he was a month old. But then there are things I don't know. Like all the people he's grown to love and how he acts with certain other kids. And it makes me so so sad. Glad that he's having these experiences and vindicated in my choice of daycare, but sad that I'm missing out on his life. I have a confession to make. I spent too much on a watch. We're pinching pennies lately 'cause we want to pay off our house and relax a little but I tend to want to enjoy the now a little too and I really needed a new watch. But $700? It's amazing. I'm in love with it. It's a Miche!e. But the guilt persists. I swear to myself I'm buying NOTHING for myself until July, I won't get that iPad I've been lusting over but don't really need, I swear I'll find a way to work it into my budget, I tell myself I deserve it and that it fits my career, I have to look sharp. And I never buy expensive jewelry for myself. But there is no way DH is ever going to know how much it cost. It's embarassing. I'm a mom. I have bigger priorities. Who cares about a freaking watch? The $200 model wasn't good enough? Whatever, I have to get over some of this guilt. Oh and I'm not pregnant. Although we continue to play russian roulette. DH is very fickle about his thoughts on another baby. Outwardly he is against it. But when it comes down to brass tacks, he doesn't insist on protection. I become increasingly convinced it's a good idea sooner rather than later. And so it goes.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh. I could have so wrote this post. I have daycare duty too. Picking up, dropping off, bathing her, feeding her, taking care of her when we go out to dinner. I'm not complaining - honestly - but sometimes I just needa little help.

    And I hear you. I just stare at Mom's, with mouth gapping wide, when they tell me of their adventures, staying home, taking care of their little one, while their husband is the sole bread winner. Albeit, I know it's hard too being a SAHM, but still...will we ever get to be THOSE moms?

    As for the watch - look at it this way, you're working. Hard. To not only keep a roof over your head, working on your marriage, to provide for Dom and DH...and so, I believe you're allowed to make purchases like that. So keep the guilt at bay.