Friday, April 15, 2011
Hello fear, my old friend
I've already lost one follower over the pregnancy announcement, and at the risk of losing more, I have to say...I kind of dread pregnancy. I had a bit of a traumatic time last year with the CPC, breech, etc., I am afraid of everything. And every new fear seems more awful than the last. I am seriously panic stricken, not just about the whole "will it be too much to handle?" question but about every stage and every problem that could arise. DH has a BAD flu or something. He's had it since Sunday. He's been shivering (= fever) and lounging around in bed and he sounds AWFUL. He won't eat anything but W3ndy's. At the beginning of the week I wasn't being very careful 'cause I didn't know about the pregnancy. But now I'm ms. OCD handwasher and oj-drinker and I am actively nervous all day that I'll get sick and have a fever and that my baby will have a neural tube defect. Why do I always have to go to the worst case scenario? Why does DH have to get sick all the time and refuse to get the flu shot? Fortunately I still feel pretty normal and it's been 5 days. Also I had the flu shot last fall. And last pregnancy was during flu season and I had NOT had the shot and I didn't even get a cold - the ENTIRE time. I think I'm one of those people for whom pregnancy boosts their immune system. Knock on wood. In fact, that's why I tested initially - I thought it was odd that DH had gotten sick and I hadn't...I always get some kind of cold the week before AF...so I thought...maybe I'm pregnant. But I'm still left with the worry that I'll get an awful fever and worry the WHOLE 9 months about another sad condition. Pregnancy brings out the worst in me. Hopefully I will not get sick and then the rest of the pregnancy will be easy in comparison to the dread of the first tri. Hopefully. Knock on more wood. PS I told DH. He was too sick to pay attention. He was like really? Are you joking? He was nice about it, I told him I was scared and he made some joke to show he wasn't scared (which I know he is). We were both kind of putting our heads in our hands like - what have we done. But we know it's an amazing wonderful lucky thing that this has happened. And I'm sure in a few days we'll start to see it in a blisfully positive light. Please let us hold it together. I like "us" when we're getting along.