Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Not feeling very feminist lately

I think I'd prefer to stay home, barefoot even, with my little one and the dog and my chores. Cooking and cleaning and raising my son. Working for my family. I feel really trapped at work lately. I'm an attorney at a big firm that has billable hour requirements and a six figure starting salary.

I keep telling myself the thing one tells oneself to minimize the guilt involved in dropping your kid off at daycare for 10 hours a day: it's good for Dom, it teaches him socialization, maturity, adaptability, and learning how to entertain himself; even for moms who stay home there are only so many hours of "quality time" involved in a day, it's good for me to work - it'll sustain a long-term career, long term earning, which benefits Dom, etc. etc.; at least I'm the primary care taker (I drop off and pick up and do dr's appointments, etc.) and get a few hours with him even on weekdays - sometimes DH leaves early and comes home late and doesn't even get to see him; Everyone does it.

But I still feel sad. I am positively addicted to Dom and miss him. I miss him when I put him to bed at night. I miss him when i'm in the same room with him but distracted by something else. I crave seeing him again every minute I'm not with him. Every minute.

And this is how it is when he likes daycare and when I'm not that busy at work. God help me on the day he cries when I leave. I don't have any faith that I'll be able to leave. None whatsoever. I think I'll have to leave my job before I leave my baby. But then I remind myself that one day he is going to have to learn about obligations that take him away from his family temporarily. Like school, social engagements, etc. So there's an excuse or a justification for everything I guess. But it's painful. Growing pains I guess. See there I go again with the justifications. And here's one more. I try to concentrate on how lucky I am to have the time I do have with him and how much potential that time has when I put my mind and energy and love into it. And that gets me through the days.

1 comment:

  1. Love this post. I feel guilt all the time with Vivian. Guilty that I'm not spending enough time with her b/c of work. Guilty that maybe she's not learning enough or reaching her milestones b/c of said work & busy schedule. I tell myself all this work is for something - for her and our future. It gets me through those rough days.

    However, I'd give all this up in a heartbeat to just BE with her. I know, our feminist foremathers are most likely turning in their graves at me.