Dark days

DH said the words. Finally.

I want a divorce.

Over the several few months it's no secret that we haven't been getting along, and he's always been quick to play the divorce card but usually it's along the lines of a threatening "do you want a DIVORCE?!" in order to get his way in fights. And this was similar. He said it in the heat of the moment, it started off as an argument about money and just grew in to him feeling like I don't appreciate everything he's done for me. He said it the same way he said he didn't love me a few months ago. At the top of his lungs, scared the dog. And he said after that: I dont' want to be married to you anymore. And other hurtful things. Like when I was apologizing by saying I was stressed out at work and didn't mean to take it out on him he just dug in further "see how stressed out you'll be as a single mom!" He's mean.

I can't explain everything here without using up three hours and getting pretty boring, but I really can see both sides here. He is fed up with me being greedy and selfish and over-emotional and getting on his case about working too much. But he has an almost uncontrollable temper and has always been ready to jump ship and I'm not convinced he ever really wanted to be with me. And every time he does something like this it chips away a little more at my faith in him or in the fact that we should be together. Which makes me treat him worse which makes him madder, which makes this a vicous vicious cycle.

He said the magic words and I still wouldn't hear it. I started begging him to reconsider and "give me a chance" even though I didn't think the entire blame was on me. You should have seen it, it was as if I had cheated on him. That's the level of yelling, and crying and desperation in the room. Ridiculous. I think he's just tired of hearing it and I get that, but I'm entitled to have a bad day and we can get in a fight without it being the end. ESPECIALLY when our son is involved.

Part of me wants to let him go. It's been long enough, we've tried for long enough. He will always blame me for the bad parts of his life like where we live and him not liking his job...even though I've paid dearly having to be subjected to these bouts of rage and insults. And another part says "hey wake up, it's us - it's me and DH. We're supposed to be together." Like there's just no other option and we'll get through it like we've gotten through every other fight. Another part says this is in the realm of 'normal' for the first year with a kid. It's stressful on some relationships. But this kind of thing has been going on since before Dom.

I think there was just one thing driving me to beg him not to leave. Which is Dom. I feel like we're not so far gone that it's not worth giving it a chance for him. It's not like anyone is being physically abusive. And I think he has enough maturity to hold his temper in check when he gets old enough to know better.

But then there's always the other hand. Where the hell is my self respect? Is the only reason I'm not leaving because I'm scared to be alone? Because I'm scared of financing myself? I think a little. But really the reason is that I'd rather withstand hurt like that every day than be away from Dom for a day. If DH would just let us go live our lives with minimal visitation, fine. But I think he'd want more, and probably should have more than that.

I hate that I'm even thinking about this. Where did I go so wrong?